Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Elvis's Birthday Party

So, our downstairs neighbor Diana (the only other American in our building) came to my door the other day asking for translation help. Her daughter, Natalie, got an invite to the birthday party of one of the kids in her class. His name is Elvis. Yes, you read that correctly, some French moron named their kid Elvis. But wait, it gets better. The kid’s last name is: Polanski. As in, he is the son of that famous director who fled the US in 1977 after pleading guilty to sodomizing a 13 year old girl. From the get go, Diana had no intention of allowing her daughter to attend the party (which was being held at the Polanski residence). She doesn’t even want her daughter in the same class as Elvis (lest the apple not fall far from the tree) and pleaded with the director of the school to move Natalie to another class the day she found out Elvis was in there. But the director of the school refused and thus, Natalie was now the recipient of a birthday invite to the child molester’s house. “Read what it says here,” Diana instructed me pointing to the very bottom of the invite. “Guests will enjoy a screening of Elvis’s father’s latest film in the private screening room. This is a children only party.” I could scarcely believe my eyes! Not only is this convicted sexual predator holding a kiddie birthday party at his home, he is strictly forbidding adults from attending! And the kicker? All the other snotty Parisian Mamans are sending their sons (and daughters!) to the party and cannot understand why Diana won't let Natalie attend.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

C'est une fille!

Madame Sarkozy has finally given birth, and c'est une fille. I was a little surpised to find out she did so at a public clinique rather than a more exclusive private hospital. According to Le Figaro Nicolas Sarkozy is the first sitting president to become a father in France's history. His advisors are hoping the excitement over the birth will give his approval ratings a boost (which are even further in the crapper than Obama's). And apparently, nobody is more excited that the pregnancy is over that Madame Sarkozy herself who recently confessed that she was anxious to 'get it over with' so she could have a drink and a cigarette. Spoken like a true femme française. The rumor swirling around online is that the kid has been named, believe it or not, Dahlia. Let's hope to hell that's not true.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pépé Le Perp

Once DSK was back on home soil, the French wasted no time incorporating him into their famous “Les Guignols d’info” ( A satirical TV show that airs on Canal +). The latex puppet of Dominique Strauss-Kahn wears an expensive, leopard print silk robe, wide open to reveal masses of chest hair. His wife, former television journalist, Anne Sinclair is also depicted. An example of dialogue: DSK asks his wife what they are having for dinner, when she hesitates, he suggests they order pizza. Then we see DSK in the luxe kitchen of his Paris home dialing up various pizza places that deliver (including Pizza Hut and Dominos) asking the if they have ‘des livreuses.’ Nope, that’s not a kind of pizza, it’s French for ‘delivery woman.’ Finally, after calling five pizza places and being told they don’t have female delivery personnel, Anne Sinclair says, “Gimme that phone. At this rate we’ll never get our dinner.” Next, Anne walks in on her husband sitting in their living room next to a young, hot, blonde wearing a low cut top. She asks him who the woman is. He tells her it is “Rachelle, the babysitter.” Anne replies, “But our daughter is 26 years old!” DSK says, “Gosh, they grow up fast!” as he leers at the babysitter's rack. If you understand French and want to see some of these hilarious shorts for yourself simply google: DSK and les guignols. Of course, one of the downsides of DSK being freed is that Manhattan journalists will no longer have the opportunity to practice their high school French. Some of the nicknames they came up with were quite clever including, Pépé Le Perp and my personal fave: Le Frisky Frog

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Joyeux Anniversaire, Petite-Moi!

Seven years ago at this very moment I was speeding down Boulevard Haussman, screaming at the Parisians to get the f*** outta my way 'cause I was in labor.
Happy birthday to my mini-moi!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Italian Injustice

This whole Amanda Knox business is just another example of how Italy is being run by a bunch of dumbbells. As if Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s corruption and sex scandals were not enough, now the entire Italian justice system is slowly becoming the laughing stock of Europe (if not the world) as they continue to railroad an innocent college student because they are too stubborn to admit they were wrong.
Let’s review the facts, shall we?

1) The day the murder was discovered, Amanda Knox was taken into custody and interrogated all night without an attorney or translator present.

2) No reliable or credible evidence has ever placed Amanda Knox (and her supposed accomplice-her Italian boyfriend at the time-Raffaele Sollecito), at the scene of the crime.

3) The only physical evidence found on the murder victim’s body did not come from Knox or her boyfriend.

4) The Italian prosecutor in charge of the Knox case, Giuliano Mignini, has a history of railroading foreigners into false confessions AND is currently under indictment for misconduct.

Prosecutors maintain that Knox’s roommate was killed by her and her boyfriend ‘in a drug-fueled rage’. Since when has POT (the ‘drug’ in question) ever fueled anything but the MUNCHIES?

Her first conviction was a shocking miscarriage of justice. Let’s hope this time around the Italians get it right. This case should make every American student contemplating study abroad rethink their plans. Especially if you’re thinking of studying in Italy.